another lost battle in the war against sin

yet again. i hardly even struggled this time. it was just, switch on the computer, click, type, view...

no debating with myself.

no quoting of bible verses.

no prayer to the Lord asking Him to drive Satan away.

just letting myself fall straight into it.

as i went to shower, i thought to myself, why? after reading a book or two, developing new convictions, why? i've been through this before, and i was able to conquer it for a short period of time, but now i struggle again...

why?

i guess... i do know why. i have not hidden His word in my heart. i did not flee from temptation. though i could have given myself as many excuses to justify myself, like how tired i am, and how my mind doesn't work as well when i'm tired, and how my will to fight sin is weak when i'm tired... it makes no difference.

i'm a sinner. i held the nails that pinned Jesus to the cross. the nails that killed Him.

i can safely say that i can rest in the knowledge that Jesus died for my sin. for ALL my sin. nothing i ever do can change the fact that God loves me. but i still struggle with my lack of emotion each time i sin. after i sin it registers in my mind that i've sinned, but why do i not feel that sense of remorse i used to feel long ago? have i repented? isn't repenting realising what i've done wrong, and doing my very best never to do it ever again? i know it's almost impossible to not sin again, heck it IS impossible. but... did i do my very best?

God, send me someone to assure me if you think i'm going on the right path. if i'm actually putting up a good fight, just that i've been defeated for a while. BUT GOD IF I'M WRONG SEND SOMEONE TO SLAP ME IN THE FACE! and set me back on to that narrow path that leads to the kingdom of heaven.

i want to follow you, God.

at least, i think i do. but my sinful nature seems to say otherwise.