where do i go now, Lord?

Lord... I'm at a point in my life where I'm choosing where to go. I wish to go overseas to study so as to increase my exposure, and to get better experience for my career in the future. But Lord you know how much I wish also to be able to spend time with my family. Lord, I feel so helpless and overwhelmed by the sheer number of universities available in the United States alone, I have no idea which to pick!

But Lord, you have said, that "A man's heart deviseth his way, but the Lord directeth his steps." (Proverbs 16:9)

Lord help me to earnestly seek you and to seek your will for me in this matter, for I do not wish to lean to either extreme. I don't want to do so much research and strive so hard to find out what and where to study, that I risk totally depending on myself, and totally not following You. Neither do I want to adopt a totally laissez-faire attitude and settle for something mediocre, which I believe would be contrary to what you would want me to do. For through the Proverbs of Solomon, you warned against sloth and encouraged us to work hard and give our best to you. "Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways, and be wise! It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stoeres its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest." (Proverbs 6:6-8)

Lord, help me to walk in the path that you have laid out for me. I cannot make this journey alone. Help me to trust in you, so that I can walk in the path of wisdom, as Solomon instructed through your Word, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5).

You know my anxieties. You know my fears. You know everything about me, everything I've ever done, everything I ever will do. Lord help me to trust you more than I trust myself.

Help me Lord.

the battle belongs to the Lord.

The Battle Belongs to the Lord

In heavenly armor we'll enter the land,

The battle belongs to the Lord.

No weapon that's fashioned against us will stand,

The battle belongs to the Lord.

And we sing glory, honor, power and strength to the Lord,

We sing glory, honor, power and strength to the Lord.

When the power of darkness comes in like a flood,

The battle belongs to the Lord.

He'll raise up a standard, the power of His blood,

The battle belongs to the Lord.

And we sing glory, honor, power and strength to the Lord,

We sing glory, honor, power and strength to the Lord.

When Your enemy presses in hard, do not fear,

The battle belongs to the Lord.

Take courage, my friend, your redemption is near,

The battle belongs to the Lord.

And we sing glory, honor, power and strength to the Lord,

We sing glory, honor, power and strength to the Lord.

I was listening to this song play on a CD while my mum was driving the three of us to church today morning. Actually, I've meant to take time to blog down various things about my recent experiences and troubles, but basically so far I've been so busy (or making myself so busy) that I've neglected my quiet time for quite some time. In fact, I realised that last Friday, and told my cell group on Sunday that I would be resuming my quiet time on Monday.

guess what? it never happened.

but, like i was saying, I was listening to this song today morning. and i believe that God was speaking to me, telling me to lean on Him and to trust in Him. The battle belongs to Him. Hence I should not be struggling to win a battle against sin in my life. Jesus already claimed that eternal victory over sin with His death on the cross!

Other than that, I've a number of other issues that have been occupying my time. i'm gonna finish with army soon, and after that i'm going to china for a holiday, but i haven't planned a thing.

my grandma's in the hospital right now, and i don't know how long she's gonna last. once this week, when we visited her at SGH, she was sleeping, but my mum pointed out her troubled expression as she slept. I don't know what she's troubled by, but if only we could do something that would help her put her mind at ease. if only she knew Jesus as her personal saviour and Lord.

i'm going back to school next year, but i've finally realised (a little late too) that i should have applied for scholarships and overseas universities earlier. now there's going to be quite a bit of uncertainty as to where i'm going to study, how the payment of fees is going to work out, and everything.

i'm still learning driving. gotta balance that too.

got to pray for the direction of our boys' cell. the attendance is erratic and some of them are moving to the adult service i think.

and... my heart still yearns for someone to be with. But I believe God has someone for me, just that... waiting... sucks. xD oh well, another 7 years or so to go!

All these issues are still swirling around in my head. But the Word tells us to "seek first his Kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (Matthew 6:33) So now, I need to trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding, acknowledge Him in all my ways, and He will make my path straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

but it's difficult to release control, as anyone would know. Lord, help me to release control my life into your loving hands. You know best.

School issues again.

had a bit of an argument with my mum today regarding applying for scholarships and school. i got a little frustrated trying to talk myself out of the situation, but eventually my excuses ran out.

while i have my reasons for not yet applying for scholarships, it's mostly been inertia on my part. i've not been making any effort at all these past few weeks (and months) to think about the issue of school seriously. even though work has slowed down quite a bit for these few weeks, i've been wiling my time away by playing games and just plain dilly-dallying.

of course playing games is not the only thing that's been devouring my time, and i've been trying to get quiet time back into my daily schedule so that i can live my life in a way that's glorifying to Him. but still really a very considerably large proportion of my time has been spent on playing games and generally just doing nothing much.

the past few weeks, i've been attending this leadership programme that the Heartbeat core team has come up with, called 'Fan into Flame'. It's been pretty good so far, and it's challenged me to take a different stance towards my walk with God and my daily decisions i make. in order to live my life in a manner pleasing to Him, i have to walk in His ways and follow His commands. i need to surrender my decisions to Him, including that of where i study, what i'll do after i ord, and so on. but of course in order for me to surrender my decisions to Him it requires me to come to Him daily and to be still before Him.

seems the school issue is sort of a faith issue too.

school, school... what to do?

overseas studies, or local?

sigh.

good weekend. =)

it's been a long time since i've blogged. yet again. haha. it seems my blog always goes on hiatus of 2 or 3 months after every post i make. but i guess i'll just continue updating it anyway, though the posts are far and few in between, not many people read the posts, i haven't re-read any of the posts i've made so far yet, but i guess it's always good for me to track my progress.

just today i bumped into an indian tourist couple with their kid at outram park. they were asking me how to take a bus to get back to their hotel (which was like just one bus stop away. xD). then after a while they decided to take a taxi, and since my dad was coming to fetch me, i offered them a lift. I asked my dad if he was okay with it, of course. my dad graciously did them the favour of sending them to their hotel, and i could tell they were thankful for our little gesture of kindness. while they were saying thank you and waving goodbye, i realised the lady was wearing a cross on her necklace. =D I felt very honoured to have been used by God to show them this little bit of kindness. =)

Anyway, that was just one thing that happened today. What's been happening for the past two months has basically been as such: i was overseas for a period for training, and that really upset my walk with God quite a bit. I didn't read my bible often (though i tried, albeit once or twice), my eyes went totally wild, and my thought life was definitely far from pleasing to the Lord. But after I came back, God was faithful to me, and brought me back to His people, surrounded me with His guardian angels and kept me close to Him again. I met up with my accountability partner, came up with plans (still haven't followed them that faithfully yet, though. sorry johnson. but i promise i'll keep trying.)

Then right after I made my commitments to keep close to Him again, my army life started getting busy and all, with our preparations for atec. and yet again, i started to exhibit non-edifying behaviour, especially in terms of the way I spoke. This is an issue that I think I'll still continue to struggle with for many years to come, but i think i need to push on and pray about it.

then now, there's a short period of 3 weeks before atec, which means it'll be a trying time for me again. but i guess at least there won't be any more outfield training or high-key/high-risk training for a while, so i can take a breather and start catching up with friends again.

so here's the summary. (in case i'm lazy to read my own loh-soh paragraphs)

1. my spiritual life has been on a roller coaster ride so far
2. but God is faithful and true, and has sent me help in times of need
3. I've let Him down in the way i've conducted myself, but i thank Him that He still blesses me and loves me.
4. I've been meeting up with friends in the past month (yes, even before today), catching up and whenever meeting with christian friends, sharing and listening to them share about our everyday struggles, then helping out in whatever way i can/could. (i can't seem to get the grammar right for this sentence. irks me. xD)
5. i desire to keep close to Him, but the mind is willing but the flesh is weak. may God give me the strength to.
6. i've found out that as brothers in Christ, we have to pull each other together to support each other and share our troubles with one another to receive support. that's important for us to progress in our walks with God.

yeah. anyway, just to elaborate more about today, I had a good time today. It's been a good weekend so far. just watched 'Despicable Me'. loved the movie to bits. =D especially liked the ending bedtime story, was so nice and heartwarming. don't remember it well though. haha. then had a good chat with my OCS ex-platoonmates and learnt a good bit about how i can do my job better in camp. then there was the indian tourist incident, then had a good time chatting with my dad. tomorrow i'm gonna meet charlotte in the afternoon, then meet my s71 ex-classmates at night. =D and of course i'll go see granny in the hospital tomorrow, hopefully i can bring joy to her as well. =)

yeah... so that's how life's been so far.

nothing further, out. =D

MAYDAY, MAYDAY.

i haven't been blogging in a long time. again. =) just came back from taiwan, going again soon. but before i go there, i'm taking my SATs on 1st May.

i haven't studied yet. hence the title of the blogpost. I really don't wish to study for it. But I've gotten my parents to pay for the test, so I better do my best.

but lazy lah.

----

Also, these few days i've going out to meet people a lot. as a result i've been spending a lot of cash on food as well. getting fatter by the moment.

One thing i've noticed though, is that i've been looking to meet people, because I somehow feel this loneliness within me, wanting to meet old friends and connect with them again. Or maybe it's just my trying to fill a gap that i've left because i haven't been doing my QT regularly and being close to him.

well, I can't write anymore now. that tv's on. can't concentrate.

heaven-brand cookies.

was talking to ning fei the other day. about v-day. then while expressing my frustration i came up with a cute little analogy.

COOKIES!

love's like cookies. before it's done, it's still cookie dough.

cookie dough may taste nice and sweet, but it just don't cut it like cookies.

i've been like a little kid, trying to get a taste of them fantastic cookies before they were even done. while i know that cookies really taste best when they're baked through, the cookie dough is just so... tantalising. especially after the first taste, waiting for the cookies to be done just became even more torturous.

 picture unrelated. just thought it was too cute to not post. =)

But like ning fei and i talked about (as we were getting hungrier), we want to make sure that whatever we're eating are the best cookies we're ever gonna taste. and fortunately for all of us, God is a first-class baker.

And his cookies are custom-made.